Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
