I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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