So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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