He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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