I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
