Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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