how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Randomize
