so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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