I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
