I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
