Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
