I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
