First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
