just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
