She went from zero to smokin in five shots
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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