i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she looked like the before picture.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
