He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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