i wish my penis had a tongue
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
