She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
