Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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