I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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