I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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