Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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