How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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