So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
