Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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