period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
