just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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