Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
