I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
