I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
