gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
