he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
