I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
