Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
