btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
