winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
