i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
