Welp...herpes.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
