I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
im holly from the hills drunk
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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