I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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