If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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