i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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