She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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