after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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