Don't make out with my wife yet
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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