My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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