if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
