At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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