I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
