i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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