Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
